an actor

i assume i am not the only person whom this happens to - this connecting with "information", a "message", at the right time, from someone or some thing (in my case, it very often happens when i am reading), that gives you a charge - like a current of realization and understanding pumping through your body that you can sometimes sit back from and be aware of.

well, this is what happens as i read Michael Ondaatje's book of poetry, Secular Love.

here's the first moment, the introduction, where he quotes from Peter Hanke:

"You're an actor, aren't you?"

The man nodded silently and averted his eyes.

"I've seen you in films. You always seem so embarrassed at the thought of what you have to say next."

The man laughed and again averted his eyes.

"You're trouble, I believe, is that you always hold back something of yourself. You're not shameless enough for an actor. In my opinion you should learn how to run properly and scream properly, with your mouth wide open. I've noticed that even when you yawn you're afraid to open your mouth all the way. In your next film make a sign to show that you're understood me. You haven't even been discovered yet. I'm looking forward to seeing you grow older from film to film."

i love this passage - can relate to the actor - and think about the scene in Cabaret (having recently seen it), and i think this scene has been shown in other movies as well, where Sally runs with Brian to lean against the wall and yells as the train passes by - persuading him to join her hen the next train comes. is letting out a scream sometimes like throwing up? bringing up all that's undigested?

thinking back to the passage, it's funny that perhaps someone would say it's a shame this actor isn't performing to their utmost ability, when the actor might be worried that it would be shameful actually to do so.

anyway, me being silly - playing in the a sandbow of words.